Announcement…
I started this tumblr in the hopes that I’ll be able to share about God, but I feel like that purpose and goal has been totally lost. Tumblr has just become another site alongside fb that I check almost obsessively, or just too often, to click away for entertainment I guess. I mean, I say “entertainment” but that’s just an excuse too. I really think I could be doing better things. C’mon, tumblr kills time. Well, it does for me… Now that I think about it, I started tumblr just to join the bandwagon.
I do very much enjoy being updated by friends who are 3,000 miles away. Also, there are some really cool artists on tumblr, and there are cool pictures. BUT I realized through some serious thinking about the way I am and talking with friends about living for God that I need to reorganize my priorities—God needs to be first in my life. God needs to be my one and only love, the one I adore, and the center of all things. Even as I say those things, I feel like a hypocrite because loving my God is what I know I should do but which doesn’t necessarily manifest in my daily life. There is something totally wrong about my state of heart… die more, die more, die more. I need to seriously meditate on what it means to take up the cross, without the distraction from tumblr. I think that tumblr (and anything else, basically) has the scary capacity to consume a person. Whether that means being submerged with Internet life (doesn’t that sound scary???) or being engrossed with the self, tumblr is just not for me. I need to be living not blogging. At least for now. I know it’s possible to do both, but apparently, I don’t have enough discipline to do that.
I recently read a chapter of Francis Chan’s Crazy Love with my roommate. The chapter was about the profile of a lukewarm Christian. An example that struck me is the one about not talking about God with nonbelievers because it will be uncomfortable/awkward/etc. This example is stuck with me because I felt like I couldn’t share about God with friends who I wanted to talk to over winter break because I was afraid that it will make things awkward. I think that another reason why I couldn’t talk about God or even just pray openly is because somewhere in the back of my mind I’m afraid of not being able to answer questions about Christianity. I have not read the entire Bible. In fact… I’ve only read parts. I can’t remember the last time I read an entire chapter in one sitting. (That’s a whole other issue/story.) Anyway, avoiding conversation about God is an act of denying God, and being on tumblr during the time I could be reading the Bible (for example) is the same thing. Agh. There are so many elements to what I want to talk about in this last post because God opened my eyes to so many things over winter break & Winter Session. But I feel like everything is coming out in a bit of a mess…
Well, It just comes back to this: “He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together” -Colossians 1:17. Yesterday… I apparently had too much time in my hands for the first time in a while and I was obsessing over how I felt like I was the only one working to build a friendship with “Person A.” I felt like person A was pushing me away and ignoring me. But I also thought: WHY AM I SO OBSESSED WITH THIS NEED TO BE BEST BUDDIES WITH THIS PERSON? With any friendship, WHY DO I NEED TO HAVE THE OTHER PERSON’S FULL ATTENTION? WHY DOES THE NEED TO BE “CHILL” WITH SOMEONE SO IMPORTANT THAT I’M BEING TORTURED BY A SENSE OF LONELINESS? I realized that I was becoming self-centered, engrossed with the need to protect my ego, etc. See, what happened was that, without God before all things, I was falling apart. It was ridiculous how annoyed I was and unreasonably stuck with a mix of negative emotions. God holds everything together. ”He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together” -Colossians 1:17.
I now breathe a sigh of relief. I had been working on a draft for a tumblr post about the annoyance that happened yesterday, but I kept revising and couldn’t publish it because I felt plain stupid whining about how I don’t feel recognized. There was a reason why I went through all that silent drama yesterday. Because of that I’m able to post this entry. Also, this is my last post, and I just wanted it to be real/honest. I might sign in occasionally to see how people are doing: look at Troy and Kim’s photography, hear out Teresa, etc. :)
This reminds me of the question of what it would be like to live without tumblr/fb/cellphone. I’m off to live without tumblr. Tumblr’s helped me realize I like physically writing in an actual journal more than typing a post anyway. Please pray for me…
& I pray that all of you have a wonderful, productive, and peaceful 2011.
Thanks for reading.
Peaceouttttttt,
Mich.
